Rhodar Widow

This title/nickname is a little harder to swallow this time of year 1. Because it’s my favourite time of year and 2. This is the longest stint we have experienced being apart as a family.

Admittedly we are only 2 weeks or so into it but we started it thinking it was 2 days then 2/3 weeks and now we are at the point where they keep extending the time working away and we are currently on 7 weeks. I walk around with a heavy heart, food has lost its taste and if I either see or hear something that’s even remotely sentimental or I talk about hubby too much I burst into deep deep sobbing at the thought of it all. Yes you may think it’s strange as we have a love hate relationship, he drives me totally insane when he’s at home but I love it so much having him here with us. We have been through so much together and to be completely honest with you I currently feel like I’ve lost a limb. There’s part of me where I think I need to get a grip, it’s only 7 or so weeks but the other part of me feels totally gutted as the work life balance is so far outweighed that I know we’ll only have a weekend together when he’s back and I kind of wish he worked on the rigs as then at least he could drive us crazy for a decent amount of time before leaving for work again.

Don’t get me wrong I am totally thankful for everything our man does, we are so lucky to have our little life that we do and there’s never a moment of feeling ungrateful. But, here’s the but…. this time of year is supposed to be lovely and cosy… shorter day’s, longer nights which means snuggling on the sofa under a blanket, feet touching, toes intertwined, watching shitty tv while eating comfort food, candles lit and that particular look where you catch eyes and without saying a single word you just know that there’s nowhere else either of you would rather be.

At the moment I spend my time juggling and planning things in with my bestie, my little G, she keeps me going and she’s just incredible with her spirit and her beautiful personality. We are also surrounded by so many incredible friends that we are never short of fun things to do but for the last 2 weeks I have really struggled. I’ve cried more times than I like to admit, my lashes are looking like spiders legs and I’m in this incredibly sensitive mood about it where all I can do is long to be back on our little family bubble. It’s such a strange feeling living your favourite time of year without having your loved one by your side. Halloween is supposed to be fun for the whole family and both of us enjoying taking photos of G in her outfit. Bonfire night which happens to be my favourite night of the year and it’s super romantic with the heat from the fire, the ash flying around and the fireworks to watch and again he’s not here to enjoy it with us. My birthday coming up too and it’s as if it’s just another Thursday and again, all I could possibly wish for is to see his face pop through the front door and walk up to me and throw his arms around G and I. My first birthday when we first got together (pre G) he did just that and if I could have that as my only birthday present I’d have it in a heartbeat. I’m so lucky to have G and lucky that it’s not me having to miss out on watching her grow like he is, lucky it’s not me that’s having to live out of a suitcase and not be in my own bed, but I have to say I’d much rather he was here and home each night, or each weekend… there’s more spiders in our Hoover than I care to imagine, the fixing station for G’s toys is growing, I find myself smelling the lid of his fragrance and wishing I had more of his clothes to pick up or wash. It’s an unsettling feeling having too much tidiness and routine in the house without him. I’m genuinely believing you can’t win in life, we always want what we can’t have right?! But for anyone that is lucky enough to have their loved one next to them during these cosy autumn evenings, make sure you hug them extra tight and enjoy the snuggles as I can definitely vouch that there’s so many that would walk over hot coals to be snuggled up on the sofa right now….

much love from the temporary, hopefully not too long Rhodar Widow

(misunderstood mummy) xxx

To all of my Strong Girls who have got me here today,

As you know this has probably been the hardest and most challenging year of my life. Today marks a year since I hit my rock bottom – since the outburst, since losing friends, my emotions coming out, feeling exposed and being labelled as “crazy”.

As horrendous as I felt and as hard as each day, week, month was from that day, you all made it easier. You made it easier with your constant love, support and encouragement. Your constant ‘check-ins’, the flowers sent, plants, lovely cards, messages and holding me while I sobbed are all reasons why I am where I am today. I feel mended when I was broken. You made me find my confidence and strength when I really didn’t think I could. You made me feel beautiful when I could barely look at myself. You reassured me that I was an amazing mummy when others questioned it. You loved me when I felt unlovable. You stuck by me at the time others were turning away. You made me laugh on days I could barely smile. You made me see my worth when others tore me apart. You listened to me for many, many hours of venting in the pure torture of trying to process why what was happening was happening. You never ignored a phone call, a text or a knock at the door. You never made me feel like I’d pestered you. You put yourself in my shoes to try and understand my confusing time. You made time for me when you didn’t have it spare. You helped me find myself again when I didn’t know who I was. You made me feel understood when all I have ever felt is misunderstood. You were all my sunshine through the darkest time of my life.

I have so much to thank you all for as for the first time I am content with being misunderstood, disliked and judged by the ones that don’t matter. I have opened my eyes to see that life is about the little things. To invest time in others that appreciate it. I have learnt that you are actually in control of your own happiness and to stay positive as your positivity encourages other and that sometimes in life ignorance really is bliss as you don’t have to take on everyone’s guilt, negativity or opinions. What you choose to do is your business and unless people are happy for you their opinions are irrelevant. I am so glad I trusted my gut and had the support to do so.

So here we are 365 days later – happily married, feeling like the best possible Mummy to my GG, building my little business, knowing my friends are genuine, feeling fit rather than skinny and knowing that life is far too short to feel like that again. That said – I don’t regret any of it as it has made me who I am today.

Thank you to all of my strong girls and especially to my strong, precious little girl, my incredible daughter for all of the unconditional love and many cuddles and kisses that have made every single day amazing even when it’s been hard.

Love your slightly understood yet Misunderstood Mummy 💕

P.s. I celebrated it being a year today by purchasing a Strong Girls Club Tee for myself and G to remind myself that in life you can get through anything xxx

Ever been on a bad first date?

Of course you have, who hasn’t?

Well… this will either make you feel better about yourself or you’ll be able to completely relate. I’m going to say probably not the latter (for your sake anyway!)

So when I’d been dumped by my ex, who I was totally hung up on – I had, well, a complete meltdown (how embarrassing that is to admit now I’m a Mummy but I’m sure we’ve all been there). This was literally months later and I just couldn’t get over him, so my friend decided to put me on a dating website and write a lovely (yet slightly over exaggerated) profile for me.

Lord did I feel exposed, yet nervous and somehow a little excited at the thought of getting over my ex.

Anyway there we were (over the phone as she was home packing ready for a house move, yet spending time sorting out my hideous love life – what a babe!) having a giggle over choosing photos for the profile whilst checking to see if we’d had any messages… Who’d have thought… We had a message….”What do I do??!!” To which she obviously replied “uummm just message him back you weirdo.” So I did.

We were messaging for a few days until he asked me out for Sunday lunch (seems respectable right?) So anyway, I spent a while deciding on outfits as hadn’t been on a date in a while, let alone one with a complete stranger! The Sunday came around and we met up as he’d got the train over… I was crapping myself to say the least. So when he suggested a drink before lunch, I was relived. After a drink, we went for some lunch (this is the fine detail which I haven’t mentioned yet…) I didn’t have a great appetite and found eating on a date awkward (I know right- how ridiculous!) Anyway, I decided on a pasta dish that didn’t need cutting and faffing around with so it was easier to eat- less opportunity to be judged. By now, I was really relaxed and the wine was flowing… We decided to go from bar to bar and have drinks round the city. Well I was soon hammered… We ended up in a little cocktail bar, where we’d been earlier on. Anyway, we knew each other’s FULL life stories by this point and then mid conversation I fell asleep. Yes I passed out.

However long later… I woke up. Being sick everywhere, all over myself, all over him, all over the bar – classy. Then what, you may ask? He got me into a taxi and took me to the Hilton where he was staying. He tried to give me a fireman’s lift (that was his job by the way – poor guy. Like he doesn’t have enough stress at work). It hugely backfired and he dropped me – I ended up crying and obviously threw up again (I blame the motion sickness?!) Anyway, he got us into the Hilton, and asked for a twin room. I opened my eyes, then closed them as thought I was dreaming. NOPE this was not a dream! I jumped up out of the single bed fully dressed, smelling of sick, absolutelt horrified! “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I’m SO SORRY!!!” He replied with nothing other than “babe you have sick in your hair”. Great. Amazing. So I went to hop in the shower, where I discovered that not only am I on a first date washing the sick out of my hair, but I also have panda eyes. So I wash my hair, make up and get dressed. We sat and chatted and tried to have a laugh and this is where he dropped into conversation that he’d been charged a carpet cleaning bill for my sick. Lord this couldn’t get any worse. Him being a true gent, and may I say slightly deluded, insisted on paying it. I got a taxi home and after a couple more texts apologising, I knew I’d never hear from him again.

At work the following morning all the girls were dying for the goss. With my fat hangover and hideous amount of shame I was extremely brief and played it down. ” it was fine, we had lunch, a few drinks and that’s it” I said I wasn’t sure if I’d see him again. But to my surprise, a dozen red roses got delivered around lunch time…. I quickly whipped off the envelope and took out the card which had a poem inside but no name of who it was from. The girls were confused on how I definitely knew they were from him. I said “I just know”.

It took me a very, very long time to admit that the envelope was in fact addressed to “Hannah (PASTA HEAD)”

Misunderstood Mummy x x x

Here it goes, I’m finally writing my blog about life, motherhood, highs, lows, friendships (I’m all about the girl power) and family. If you’re looking for the ‘perfect’ life, then look away; however if you’re looking for a read about an honest take on all aspects of motherhood – then pour yourself a glass of bubbles and get comfy, as this mama speaks the truth and right from the heart. In fact… you may want to grab a bucket as I am a bit of a gush – you’ll either love it or hate it but sod it, here I am!

Let me start by introducing myself and telling you a little bit about me… My name is Han however some people call me anxious, crazy, or even weird (the cheek, right?!) – I’ve decided to put all of them stereotypes aside, and describe myself as misunderstood. Everyone who knows me, knows everything… I am an extremely open person and will chat to you about anything embarrassing, personal or awkward and of course I don’t judge! Mainly for the fact that I’ve probably been there too. Anything from drunken stories (trust me there’s a lot), bad first dates (and a lot of these involve alcohol), lovers tiffs, toddler tantrum stories and of course boob leakage stories when breastfeeding.

I, in no way, describe my life as perfect – despite what social media looks like, no one has the perfect life. The way I like to look at it is that people are not always comfortable in showing their insecurities, and therefore only show the best bits. I am more comfortable in sharing my imperfections through writing; I am not perfect, and I never will be, but what I am is a happy girlie (most of the time). I love searching for the positivity and silver lining in life’s hurdles and experiences whilst laughing off the bad after a moan to my best gals. I am speaking from experience after a breakdown, my girl friends are the ones that got me through it, they were my guardian angels in disguise. I have found myself again recently; and not necessarily the new me, but I have found me – if that makes sense, well I think it does?!

So I have come into 2019 feeling a much stronger person (well minus the flu- that was horrendous on another level), definitely happier and more confident in myself. I don’t feel the need to explain myself or my decisions to anyone anymore. I am a super proud mummy of a two year old girlie. My GG has given me a purpose, she is the most wonderful person in my life and even with her tantrums she inspires me every single day – I really think she saved me. I am the luckiest mummy in the world to get to watch her grow and I have the pleasure of looking after her full time. Although my career is on hold, I am a believer that you can’t get the time back and thankfully I have an extremely supportive baby daddy! He certainly has his moments but I know how lucky I am to be with him. I have the best girl friends and I can’t wait to share stories with you about them and even about how I met some of them!

I am described as thoughtful and loyal. I’ll always have my friends backs and have their best interests at heart – I love being their “middle of the night go to”- mainly because I haven’t slept since I was pregnant and G still hasn’t got the hang of this sleeping lark! I’m known to be random, funny and actually embarrassing, probably because I usually end up in ridiculous and awkward scenarios and don’t get overly embarrassed (luckily). Stories are to come don’t you worry!

I just want to finish my first post by saying whatever you do in life, do it well. This is something that I live telling myself now. Whether it be work, parenting, friendships, family or that chocolate binge we all love to have. Just do what makes you happy and put your heart and soul into it. My other point is to set realistic goals, I won’t be on here daily and certainly not by the hour. I won’t be writing over enjoying time with my girlie. I will just write when I can and be honest when I do. This isn’t an account for follows or likes, it’s simply to share and if one story makes one person feel better about themselves or even less awkward or just to have a laugh then I have achieved what I’ve set out to do… Looking forward to sharing more with you soon…

Misunderstood Mummy x x x