Ever been on a bad first date?

Of course you have, who hasn’t?

Well… this will either make you feel better about yourself or you’ll be able to completely relate. I’m going to say probably not the latter (for your sake anyway!)

So when I’d been dumped by my ex, who I was totally hung up on – I had, well, a complete meltdown (how embarrassing that is to admit now I’m a Mummy but I’m sure we’ve all been there). This was literally months later and I just couldn’t get over him, so my friend decided to put me on a dating website and write a lovely (yet slightly over exaggerated) profile for me.

Lord did I feel exposed, yet nervous and somehow a little excited at the thought of getting over my ex.

Anyway there we were (over the phone as she was home packing ready for a house move, yet spending time sorting out my hideous love life – what a babe!) having a giggle over choosing photos for the profile whilst checking to see if we’d had any messages… Who’d have thought… We had a message….”What do I do??!!” To which she obviously replied “uummm just message him back you weirdo.” So I did.

We were messaging for a few days until he asked me out for Sunday lunch (seems respectable right?) So anyway, I spent a while deciding on outfits as hadn’t been on a date in a while, let alone one with a complete stranger! The Sunday came around and we met up as he’d got the train over… I was crapping myself to say the least. So when he suggested a drink before lunch, I was relived. After a drink, we went for some lunch (this is the fine detail which I haven’t mentioned yet…) I didn’t have a great appetite and found eating on a date awkward (I know right- how ridiculous!) Anyway, I decided on a pasta dish that didn’t need cutting and faffing around with so it was easier to eat- less opportunity to be judged. By now, I was really relaxed and the wine was flowing… We decided to go from bar to bar and have drinks round the city. Well I was soon hammered… We ended up in a little cocktail bar, where we’d been earlier on. Anyway, we knew each other’s FULL life stories by this point and then mid conversation I fell asleep. Yes I passed out.

However long later… I woke up. Being sick everywhere, all over myself, all over him, all over the bar – classy. Then what, you may ask? He got me into a taxi and took me to the Hilton where he was staying. He tried to give me a fireman’s lift (that was his job by the way – poor guy. Like he doesn’t have enough stress at work). It hugely backfired and he dropped me – I ended up crying and obviously threw up again (I blame the motion sickness?!) Anyway, he got us into the Hilton, and asked for a twin room. I opened my eyes, then closed them as thought I was dreaming. NOPE this was not a dream! I jumped up out of the single bed fully dressed, smelling of sick, absolutelt horrified! “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! I’m SO SORRY!!!” He replied with nothing other than “babe you have sick in your hair”. Great. Amazing. So I went to hop in the shower, where I discovered that not only am I on a first date washing the sick out of my hair, but I also have panda eyes. So I wash my hair, make up and get dressed. We sat and chatted and tried to have a laugh and this is where he dropped into conversation that he’d been charged a carpet cleaning bill for my sick. Lord this couldn’t get any worse. Him being a true gent, and may I say slightly deluded, insisted on paying it. I got a taxi home and after a couple more texts apologising, I knew I’d never hear from him again.

At work the following morning all the girls were dying for the goss. With my fat hangover and hideous amount of shame I was extremely brief and played it down. ” it was fine, we had lunch, a few drinks and that’s it” I said I wasn’t sure if I’d see him again. But to my surprise, a dozen red roses got delivered around lunch time…. I quickly whipped off the envelope and took out the card which had a poem inside but no name of who it was from. The girls were confused on how I definitely knew they were from him. I said “I just know”.

It took me a very, very long time to admit that the envelope was in fact addressed to “Hannah (PASTA HEAD)”

Misunderstood Mummy x x x